| Author |
The Starport |
GTW
Cadet
Joined: November 30, 2001
Posts: 156
From: Singapore
|  Posted: 2003-12-18 11:43
The Starport
(based on Monty Python's "The Cheese Shop skit)
A UGTO Cruiser pops out of TachSpace over Earth
Cruiser: Good Morning.
Starport Control: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Earth Starport!
Violin music plays in the background.
Cruiser: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Starport Control: What can I do for you, Sir?
Cruiser: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the dome on Mars just now, skimming through 'Tactics to defeat the K'luth', and I suddenly came over all scheming.
Starport Control: Scheming, sir?
Cruiser: Fiendishly planning.
Starport Control: Eh?
Cruiser: A good strategy!
Starport Control: Ah, a good strategy!
Cruiser: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little refit would do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some ship parts!
Starport Control: Come again?
Cruiser: I want to buy some ship parts.
Starport Control: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the violin player!
Cruiser: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Starport Control: Sorry?
Cruiser: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Starport Control: So he can go on playing, can he?
Cruiser: Most certainly! Now then, some parts please, my good man.
Starport Control: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Cruiser: Well, eh, how about an AME Drive?
Starport Control: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of AME Drives, sir.
Cruiser: Oh, never mind, how are you on PFEs?
Starport Control: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we make them fresh on Monday.
Cruiser: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, an AMJD, if you please.
Starport Control: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Cruiser: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, CL500s?
Starport Control: Sorry, sir.
Cruiser: Flux Waves?
Starport Control: Normally, sir, yes. Today the transport carrying it was ambushed by a Piercer.
Cruiser: Ah. EMP Mines?
Starport Control: Sorry.
Cruiser: Nuke Mines?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: Any AM Mines, per chance.
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: Gauss guns?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: SABOTs?
Starport Control: (pause) No.
Cruiser: Railguns, Psi Cannons, AR Missiles?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: Psi Missiles, perhaps?
Starport Control: Ah! We have Psi Missiles, yessir.
Cruiser: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Starport Control: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit damaged...
Cruiser: Oh, it's fine damaged.
Starport Control: Well,.. It's very damaged, actually, sir.
Cruiser: No matter. Fetch hither the K'luth missile of choice!
Starport Control: I...think it's a bit more damaged than you'll like it, sir.
Cruiser: I don't care. Hand it over with all speed.
Starport Control: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Cruiser: What now?
Starport Control: It's fallen apart in my hands.
Cruiser: (pause) Has it.
Starport Control: Yes, sir.
Cruiser: (pause) Full Heavy Armor?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: Larvae?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: ICC Fighters?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: You...do *have* some ship parts, don't you?
Starport Control: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a starport, sir. We've got--
Cruiser: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Starport Control: Fair enough.
Cruiser: Uuuuuh, QSB.
Starport Control: Yes?
Cruiser: Ah, well, I'll have that!
Starport Control: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Queueesbee, that's my name.
Cruiser: (pause) AFE Drives?
Starport Control: Uh, not as such.
Cruiser: Uuh, Beacons?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: Scanners.
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: ECCMs,
Starport Control: Not *today*, sir, no.
Cruiser: (pause) Aah, how about Fusion Torpedoes?
Starport Control: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Cruiser: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular torpedo in the Metaverse!
Starport Control: Not 'round here, sir.
Cruiser: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular torpedo 'round hyah?
Starport Control: AM, sir.
Cruiser: IS it.
Starport Control: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular on this planet, Captain.
Cruiser: Is it.
Starport Control: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Cruiser: I see. Uuh...AM, eh?
Starport Control: Right, sir.
Cruiser: All right. Okay. Have you got any? (expecting the answer 'no'.)
Starport Control: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Cruiser: It's not much of a starport, is it?
Starport Control: Finest in the system!
Cruiser: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Starport Control: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Cruiser: It's certainly uncontaminated by ship parts....
Starport Control: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Proton Torpedos, sir.
Cruiser: Would it be worth it?
Starport Control: Could be....
Cruiser: Have you --SHUT THAT VIOLIN OFF!
Starport Control: Told you sir....
Cruiser: (slowly) Have you got any Proton Torpedos?
Starport Control: No.
Cruiser: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Starport Control: Yessir?
Cruiser: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any ship parts here at all.
Starport Control: Yes, sir.
Cruiser: Really?
(pause)
Starport Control: No. Not really, sir.
Cruiser: You haven't.
Starport Control: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Cruiser: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to bomb you.
Starport Control: Right-Oh, sir.
(The Cruiser sticks two MIRVs into the Starport)
Cruiser: What a *senseless* gain of FF points.
_________________
Darkspace Interdiction : A Darkspace Fiction Site
[ This Message was edited by: GTW on 2003-12-18 11:44 ]
_________________
Darkspace Interdiction : A Darkspace Fiction Site
|
Barthezzz
Fleet Admiral
Joined: May 31, 2001
Posts: 5630
From: The Netherlands
| Posted: 2003-12-18 12:10
hmm lol 
_________________
|
Doran
Chief Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 29, 2003
Posts: 4032
From: The Gideon Unit
| Posted: 2003-12-18 12:14
lol nice
_________________
|
Serapis
Fleet Admiral
Joined: July 09, 2002
Posts: 73
From: Europe
| Posted: 2003-12-18 12:31
lol!
Lucky me, I am ICC 
_________________
Nostradamus is nothing compared to George Orwell
|
Axianda The Royal
Fleet Admiral
Terra Squadron
Joined: November 20, 2001
Posts: 4273
From: Axianda
| Posted: 2003-12-18 12:36
SHEESH!!!!!
hope they still have my pizza that i left there.... ow wait somebody's mirv bbq'ed it
_________________
- Axi
|
Sandals
Fleet Admiral
Agents
Joined: January 21, 2002
Posts: 2001
From: Redmond,WA,USA
| Posted: 2003-12-18 12:42
rofl 
_________________
|
Antdizzle
Joined: February 07, 2003
Posts: 860
| Posted: 2003-12-18 13:32
hehe
_________________
|
-Ashiya-
Vice Admiral
Joined: October 21, 2003
Posts: 204
From: The United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Ireland.
| Posted: 2003-12-18 13:50
lol
_________________
[ This Message was edited by: XxIceDreamxX {C?} [Rachel] on 2003-12-18 13:50 ]
_________________
Shii's Song
|
The Monty
Cadet
Joined: October 07, 2002
Posts: 967
| Posted: 2003-12-18 14:22
Anyone who has seen the original should understand, its a freakin masterpiece GTW!
_________________
Obesa cantavit. Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem.
|
Grimith
Grand Admiral
Templar Knights
Joined: August 09, 2003
Posts: 836
From: Your local future farm.
| Posted: 2003-12-18 15:27
~*laughs* Excellent job, man!
(Edit: Believe it or not, I made an error in my post. Yes, an error. I didn't like what I did. So what? Sue me. I was laughing so hard that I made a mistake, okay? Deal with it.
*sees the lines of lawyers from London to New York and even clear from Tokyo and Moscow lining outside his door*
...crap.)
_________________
~"Each human being contributes to whether we press forward into anarchy or remain civilized. These contributions, however, are so completely unique that it'd doom mankind rather than save it if every human agreed with one another." ~Grimith J. Reaper
[ This Message was edited by: Grimith J. Reaper on 2003-12-18 15:30 ]
_________________
|
|
English
Deutsch
Nederlands
)
