| Author |
JOKES!!! |
Fattierob
Vice Admiral
Joined: April 25, 2003
Posts: 4059
|  Posted: 2005-03-05 14:35
I guy walks into a bar with some jumper cables around his neck
Bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, don't start anything in here."
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Coeus {NCX-Charger}
Admiral, I can't read,
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: February 16, 2004
Posts: 3635
From: South Philly
| Posted: 2005-03-05 15:10
Sorry Kenny... guess its a "Had to be there" kinda thing
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KanaDIEn ^_^
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 20, 2004
Posts: 294
| Posted: 2005-03-05 16:24
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
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Feralwulf
Grand Admiral
Joined: January 24, 2004
Posts: 1729
From: sitting somewhere drinking beer
| Posted: 2005-03-05 20:01
I don't get it  So What was the noise?
ya  I'm a redneck 
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 rnrn
Don't mess with old dudes...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
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Distel {Combat BUMpkin} Stolz
Cadet
ExtraTerrestrial Space Bums
Joined: April 04, 2003
Posts: 85
| Posted: 2005-03-05 20:03
Wishing to lay claim to the "lamest" joke, I post this oldy:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the amusement park?
A: To get to the other ride!
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Coeus {NCX-Charger}
Admiral, I can't read,
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: February 16, 2004
Posts: 3635
From: South Philly
| Posted: 2005-03-06 00:52
Wow... thats bad...
And the noise was the chainsaw running... the guy was using the chainsaw without turning it on...
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Hellza - master
Cadet
Joined: February 24, 2004
Posts: 556
| Posted: 2005-03-06 07:18
+1
umm O.o
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KanaDIEn ^_^
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 20, 2004
Posts: 294
| Posted: 2005-03-06 15:25
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches. Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that. So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell. About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons. He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?" Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
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KanaDIEn ^_^
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 20, 2004
Posts: 294
| Posted: 2005-03-06 23:14
COOTIES!!!!
[ This Message was edited by: Captain Kanada[R33] on 2005-03-09 01:32 ]
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Coeus {NCX-Charger}
Admiral, I can't read,
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: February 16, 2004
Posts: 3635
From: South Philly
| Posted: 2005-03-06 23:24
Dead link?
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Andravus
Fleet Admiral
Joined: December 16, 2001
Posts: 39
From: Weeki Wachee, Florida
| Posted: 2005-03-07 13:18
Three wanted men escape from a prison, they had to find a place to hide out in, they found and went into a barn. In the barn was a cow, a horse, and a sack of potatos, the men hid behind them (one guy behind each.. o.O). Moments later police went and looked inside the barn. An officer said " Anyone in here?", the man behind the cow said " Mo0o.", the man behind the horse said " Neigh!" and the guy behind the sack of potato's said "potato's!".....
-Mo0o?
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tarneybaby
Cadet
Joined: February 23, 2004
Posts: 11
| Posted: 2005-03-08 16:32
Holiday Tattoos
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below
her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving"
under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The
woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the
woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If
you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual
tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the
time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and
Christmas!"
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Bobamelius
Grand Admiral
Galactic Navy
Joined: October 08, 2002
Posts: 2074
From: Ohio
| Posted: 2005-03-08 16:59
Let's not let this get inappropriate guys.
Anyway...
A man who has recently died arrives at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter says to him: "Tell me one good thing you've done, in your entire life, and I'll let you in."
The man ponders for a minute, and then finally says, "Well, one time I was driving along in the city when I saw a rough-looking biker gang harassing a woman. So I stopped my car, got out and waved a crowbar at them to try and scare them away."
"Wow, that's rather noble," St. Peter says, and then asks, "When did this happen?"
The man replies, "About two minutes ago."
---------------------------------------------------
A married couple was expecting a child. The wife was 9 months pregnant and scheduled to deliver within the week. However, several days early, the wife started going into labor and theyt went to the hospital to have the baby.
Upon arriving, they hospotal staff makes all the necessary preparations and set-up to prepare for the delivery, as the woman's labor pains begin to increase. Now, all throughout the pregnancy, the woman had expressed her nervousness to her husband about the labor pains. She dreaded them, and this was possibly making it even worse.
The husband, sympathetic to her wife's predicament, asked the doctor overseeing the delivery about any measures that could be taken to ease some of the pain. The doctor hesitantly replied, "Well, sir, we have recently developed a new technology which allows us to transfer some of the labor pains from the mother to the child's father." The woman's husband eagerly approved of this and asked them to use it. The doctor emphatically warned the man that this could be extremely painful, but he remained insistant.
So, the doctor motioned to some nurses and they wheeled a large machine out from behind some curtains. "It's wireless" the technician operating the machine explained, "so we don't need to hook you up to anything." Nodding in approval, the husband asked them to turn the machine on. "We'll set it to 25% to start. Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with this?" the doctor asked one last time.
"Do it." the husband said. And so with a flip of a switch, a few button presses and adjustments to the machine's instruments, it came humming to life. The man's wife was immediately relieved of a fourth of the labor pains, and the husband stood there, seemingly unaffected by the transfer.
"Wow, I must be really pain resistant!" he said. "Can we turn it up?" he asked, and the technician hesitantly dialed up the machine to 50% transfer. The man still seemed unphased, and the man's wife confirmed that she was feeling about half the pain she was before, a big relief.
At this point the nurses started glancing back and forth at each other, wondering if the machine was really working, and mostly, wondering why the man was still conscious. "Let's turn it up some more." the husband said. And so they did.
They eventually got the machine up to 100%, and the wife gave birth to her baby in no pain whatsoever. Mother, baby and husband were happy at the occasion, and the staff continued to stare in disbelief at the husband's resilience.
So, the next day when they released the healthy mother and baby from the hospital, they family drives home. They step out of the car, walk up to the house and are greeted to a shocking surprise.
There, lying dead on the porch, was the mailman.
[ This Message was edited by: Bobamelius on 2005-03-08 17:00 ]
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Coeus {NCX-Charger}
Admiral, I can't read,
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: February 16, 2004
Posts: 3635
From: South Philly
| Posted: 2005-03-08 17:43
ROFLMFAO! Bueno!
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-RevenG-
Raven Warriors
Joined: March 03, 2004
Posts: 2673
| Posted: 2005-03-08 18:12
Lol. I have a diff version of that.
A young boy began having nightmares at night. He told his father that he had a dream that grandpa was dead. The father said grandpa was ok and to go to sleep. Next day they were told that The Grandpa had died in his sleep. That night the boy woke up and said that Aunt Susie was dead. The father said Aunt Susie was ok. Next day they were told that Aunt Susie had died. Now the father is nervoues after this. The boy goes to sleep and wakes up and tells his father that daddy is going to die tomorrow. Now, the father is horrified. Next day when he goes to work he drives carefully and slowly. When he returns home he told his wife about how bad his day was. She replies, "That's nothing. The milkman died on the steps today".
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