| Author |
JOKES!!! |
KanaDIEn ^_^
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 20, 2004
Posts: 294
|  Posted: 2005-03-09 01:37
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
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Tarnekep
Grand Admiral
Galactic Navy
Joined: October 17, 2003
Posts: 275
| Posted: 2005-04-28 01:34
I think you guys would get a kick out of this I do have a few dirty jokes but I am not allow to put them on oh well your lost lol 
HOW TO POOP AT WORK!
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants. 
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
ok i think that should do it lol
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Super Dooper
Cadet
Joined: October 23, 2004
Posts: 24
| Posted: 2005-04-28 02:51
Note to self.. light a lighter and you see a trail of fire and it will end up at who commected the crime hehe
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RagAnok
Admiral
Joined: February 02, 2004
Posts: 237
| Posted: 2005-04-28 05:59
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delilght, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
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[IMG]http://i100.photobucket.com/albums/m3/zardous/gunner.gif[IMG]
Telekinesis, thats what you need, just lay back and let your mind do the walking
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UnknownWarrior
Grand Admiral
Raven Warriors
Joined: July 18, 2002
Posts: 724
From: North Carolina, USA
| Posted: 2005-04-28 16:11
*Notes some material may not be suitable for children under the age of 7...I hope...)
Man walks into a bar, bartender yelling at the top of his lungs, "Ill pay $50.00 to the first person that can make this horse laugh"
Man steps up and takes the offer.
Five minutes later he walks out and the horse is laughing. The bartender looks at him and shakes his head, "Son i dont know how you did it but heres your $50.00 just lik i said."
Next day man comes back to the bar, the bartender saying, "First person to make this horse cry will win $50.00"
Man steps up again and goes to the horse.
Three minutes later he walks out and the horse is crying. The bartender, aggrivated at losing $100.00 to the same guy stops him and asks, "How did you get the horse to cry, and then laugh."
The man laughs and looks at the bartender, "Well to get the horse to laugh, i said my woody was bigger...And to get the horse to cry, i proved it."
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zendrix
Admiral
Joined: September 19, 2001
Posts: 31
| Posted: 2005-04-28 17:38
An ion walks into a bar and says "i think i left an electron here last night" and the bartender says "are you positive?"
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$yTHe {C?}
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: September 29, 2002
Posts: 1292
From: Arlington, VA
| Posted: 2005-04-28 19:26
Zendrix...Im very sad because that made sense to me...
Anyway...(Disclaimer, Long)
A man and his wife ran a cattle ranch. One day, the man died, and his wife put an ad in the paper for a ranchhand so she wouldn't have to sell the ranch. A man comes to see her about the job, and he is gay. This doesnt matter to her, so she gives him the job, and he performs admirably.
After about two weeks, she tells him, "You've been working hard, and doing a good job. Why don't you go into town and enjoy yourself for the night." So he goes off into town, and the woman stays home and waits up for him. 10 o'clock comes and goes, then 11, then midnight. Finally, at one in the morning, the door creaks open and he tries to sneak in.
"Stop!" she says, and he freezes.
She takes a look at him and then says, "Take off my shoes." He does so with quivering fingers. Then she says, "Take off my socks." He does so. Then she says, "Take off my blouse," and he does so a little more unsteadily. She says this for every article of clothing, and finally says, "Now take off my underwear," which he can barely do because hes shaking so much.
Finally when he was finished, she says, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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EternalSoldat
Vice Admiral
Joined: March 03, 2004
Posts: 18
From: Lobby.
| Posted: 2005-07-20 21:44
The final words of the Redneck
Hey guys! Bechta cant do this.
You might be a redneck if...
You have a permanent sunroof in the hood of your car due to use of shotgun
you have more than 12 guns within your hosue
*more to come*
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Exavier_Macbeth
Cadet
Joined: December 02, 2002
Posts: 20
From: Phoenix, Arizona
| Posted: 2005-07-21 02:33
my 2 cents...
While shopping one day a woman decided to purchase a pet bird. While browsing she noticed that the all but one of the Parrots in the store were vastly overpriced. When she asked the salesman why the one was so cheap he stated that it was previously owned by a local brothel and had an odd way of greeting people. Deciding it couldn't be that bad the woman bought the parrot and took it home.
After uncovering the cage in her house the parrot squawked "New House, New Madam". The woman found it amusing and went about her business. Later her three daughters came home and when they walked in the door the parrot squawked "New House, New Madam, New Girls". The four of them joked about the parrots comments for a few hours until the woman’s husband came home.
When the husband walked in the door the parrot squawked "New House, New Madam, New Girls, Welcome John"...
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He has returned.
He who brought the dark ones.
He who poisoned our paradise.
How will we greet him?
With swift and certain death!
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DoctorCrobe
Admiral
Pitch Black
Joined: April 18, 2003
Posts: 152
From: Mormonville USA
| Posted: 2005-07-21 02:42
this may not be suitable for children to read. but by all means anyone else. please read. lol.. got it from my dad the other day and couldn't help but not post it..
~shakari
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy r eplies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to! buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably ! get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands ever! ything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the gu y comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wi ng. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "TH! EN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
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