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The Life And Times Of SPC Schwarz... |
Lord DowneyBUM (UK)
Fleet Admiral
Joined: January 13, 2003
Posts: 437
From: London England
|  Posted: 2005-10-18 16:56
Please do not use terms such as used previously in this thread. Freudian terminology is base and a misrepresentation of the art of self loving.
Its weird how a perfectly natural act of self love, can be used as a nasty word. As a believer of the Kleinian view of psychology and oppsed to anything that freud said, due to being based upon innacurate data and misrepresented findings of the pervert. I.E Feud.
I find the kleinian principles of good breast, bad breast philosophy a much more stimulating debate.
Indeed, my colleagues and i have had many a group debate regarding those much endowed Melanie Kleinian principles in the nursing home.
Im thinking of doing a Masters in debating, but alas cannot manage to get a solid grip of the root of the problem. In my case that of funding my research.
Nursing being a female environment seems to be the ideal place you would have thought for a man of my standing but no. They have yet to realise my passionate love of Nurse's, sorry freudian slip, NURSING. (dammit need to get more pills).
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Diabo|ik
Grand Admiral
Joined: August 16, 2002
Posts: 327
From: Quebec, Canada
| Posted: 2005-10-18 21:22
Simply hilarious, keep 'em coming!
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Mostly Retired.
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Fatal Rocko Willis
Fleet Admiral
Fatal Squadron
Joined: March 01, 2003
Posts: 1336
From: Kentucky
| Posted: 2005-10-19 03:05
And now for our Third installment of Military Humor.. (Note: Those with NO sense of Humor need not reply.  )
Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine it means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to Basic Allowance for Quarters or Separation pay.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.
I may not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
I may not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
Hope this bunch of "No-No's" doesn't OFFEND anyone. (Jeesh, some peoples kids...)
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Shigernafy
Admiral
Joined: May 29, 2001
Posts: 5726
From: The Land of Taxation without Representation
| Posted: 2005-10-19 06:30
-1 for backslash
-1 for RevenG
-1 for Dominator_243
-1 for Lacrosseian
-2 for Enterprise
-2 for c0ldfury
-3 for Coeus
Try to discuss the thread as presented by the original poster, not go off on your own argumentative tangents. Thanks.
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And on that note: I LOL'd.. and no Tbone, I'd never seen these before. Apparently I don't surf enough, or get linked to funny things enough..
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* [S.W]AdmBito @55321 Sent \"I dunno; the French had a few missteps. But they're on the right track, one headbutt at a time.\"
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Coeus {NCX-Charger}
Admiral, I can't read,
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: February 16, 2004
Posts: 3635
From: South Philly
| Posted: 2005-10-19 15:30
slamage 
I'm not sure I wanna know about the dress one... ROFL
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Darkspace: Twilight
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-RevenG-
Raven Warriors
Joined: March 03, 2004
Posts: 2673
| Posted: 2005-10-19 16:41
Love the MP check point one, will have to tell some friends to try it ^^
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Fatal Rocko Willis
Fleet Admiral
Fatal Squadron
Joined: March 01, 2003
Posts: 1336
From: Kentucky
| Posted: 2005-10-19 18:38
OUr next set of "No-No's" in the Life of Specialist Schwarz.... Now I know all the branches of the US Military have "colorful", for the lack of a better word, people in thier ranks but this guy has got to take the cake. Makes me wonder if this guy is still in the Army.
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May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
Nerve gas is not funny.
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, or bootleg CD's.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any German, Polish, Russian, or US Armored vehicles.
When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
Crucifying mice - bad idea.
Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
"No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's® IV is acceptable.
The Microsoft® "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to countermand any orders.
"I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
No dancing in the turret.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.
'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-Free' is not an authorized uniform.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke®.
More later, stay tuned!
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Lark of Serenity
Grand Admiral
Raven Warriors
Joined: June 02, 2002
Posts: 2516
| Posted: 2005-10-19 18:40
I'm wonderinf if he's real, or if it's not the formation of several peoples records.
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Admiral Larky, The Wolf
Don't play with fire, play with Larky.
Raven Division Command - 1st Division
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Fatal Rocko Willis
Fleet Admiral
Fatal Squadron
Joined: March 01, 2003
Posts: 1336
From: Kentucky
| Posted: 2005-10-20 06:32
And for the Grand Finale! The last of the "No-No's" in The Life And Times Of SPC Schwarz.... Enjoy!
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Putting red 'Mike and Ike's'® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new DOD forms, and then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light® batteries.
I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
Shouldn't treat Urine Sample Bottles with extra-strength icy hot.
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Body checking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get 'that time of month'.
No, pants are not optional.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks, especially not a pornographic movie studio, not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's DOD policy).
We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
Any device that can crawl across the table on medium does not need to be brought into the office. (???)
I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
Pokimon® trainer is not an MOS.
There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups®
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldn't use Photoshop® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
“To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
Not allowed to get shot.
The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCO's that their razor bumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
In the immortal words of Porky Pig... "That's All Folks!"
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