| Author |
i thought this was funny |
Ship-Of-Fools™
Commander
Joined: March 09, 2004
Posts: 12
|  Posted: 2007-03-06 02:39
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ CNN
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology
__ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry
__ Playboy/Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea leaves __ EST
__ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering in a desert __ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife
__ Other: ___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=satisfactory,
5=excellent):
Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5;
famine 1 2 3 4 5;
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5;
war 1 2 3 4 5;
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5;
plague 1 2 3 4 5;
spam 1 2 3 4 5;
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5;
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5;
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5;
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5;
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5;
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5;
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5;
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5;
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) If
you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in
the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
approximately one in 6,023,000,000 depending on number of beings entered).
_________________
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Tellaris
Grand Admiral
Galactic Navy
Joined: April 30, 2002
Posts: 830
From: Land of Chocolate
| Posted: 2007-03-06 03:06
This thing looks like its gettin kinda close to breakin a part of the RoC. But some of it is pretty funny. I'm especially enjoying the excessive use of a "Burning Bush" diety....
_________________
Captain of the StarCruiser
I hit planets for fun!
Spellchecker, the POWER t00l
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GothThug {C?}
Fleet Admiral
Joined: June 29, 2005
Posts: 2932
| Posted: 2007-03-06 03:41
i LOLed outloud 
_________________
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Light-of-Aurora
Grand Admiral
Joined: December 01, 2003
Posts: 602
From: NJ, USA
| Posted: 2007-03-06 06:01
MORE DIVINE INTERVENTION PLS!
_________________
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Coeus {NCX-Charger}
Admiral, I can't read,
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: February 16, 2004
Posts: 3635
From: South Philly
| Posted: 2007-03-06 07:29
Quote:
| 5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
.....
___ Baal
.....
___ Ra
|
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HAHHAHAHA! SG1 <3
_________________
Darkspace: Twilight
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Sixkiller
Marshal
Courageous Elite Commandos
Joined: May 11, 2005
Posts: 1786
From: Netherlands
| Posted: 2007-03-06 08:45
Baal and Ra are actual gods tough, not just made up by SG1
_________________
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-03-06 10:30
Yes? And? So? But? Therefore?
_________________
Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
'I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm taking you with me!'
ICC Security Council Chief Enforcer
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Lyedtau
Admiral
Joined: January 18, 2007
Posts: 147
From: Dev land
| Posted: 2007-03-06 10:39
Quote:
|
On 2007-03-06 03:41, Fatal GothThug *Ens* wrote:
i LOLed outloud
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You laughed out louded outloud?
_________________
 rn
Made by Doran
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Kanman
Grand Admiral
Pitch Black
Joined: August 26, 2005
Posts: 1017
From: Virginia, United States
| Posted: 2007-03-06 11:23
Quote:
|
You laughed out louded outloud?
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Its a joke from the show Monk.
[ This Message was edited by: Kanman *FC2* on 2007-03-06 11:23 ]
_________________
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-03-06 12:25
Further proof of TV writing going down the crapper at Mach 5
_________________
Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
'I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm taking you with me!'
ICC Security Council Chief Enforcer
|
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