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In Preparation for Parenthood... |
Fatal Rocko Willis
Fleet Admiral
Fatal Squadron
Joined: March 01, 2003
Posts: 1336
From: Kentucky
|  Posted: 2007-05-09 09:56
As some of you may know, my darling missus is expecting our third child. She is currently in her 25th week of pregnancy and is expecting to deliver this bouncing bundle of joy on or about Aug 15th.
In preperation for this blessed event and to help you, the generally uninformed playing public, about what it will be like with young children in the home. I would like to give you these simple, yet honestly disciptive analogies for you to ponder... And to those that have been here before, as I have, I salute you and we can look at each other and understand what others will be going through.
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. Remember these words of wisdom whenever you descide you want to be a parent.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run rampant. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this? -- all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a parent.
I hope you will all enjoy the adventure called Parenthood, I have so many times (this will be my 6th and FINAL child) and would again, if i was not 42 and had more money.
Enjoy!
Rocko
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BackSlash
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 23, 2003
Posts: 11183
From: Bristol, England
| Posted: 2007-05-09 10:50
I called your house twice once upon a time...
After hearing that - you've put me off children for life 
I don't think they make sound proof walls for that kind of level of noise...
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Drafell
Grand Admiral
Mythica
Joined: May 30, 2003
Posts: 2449
From: United Kingdom
| Posted: 2007-05-09 11:33
No wonder you are in the forces, you need the holiday.
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It's gone now, no longer here...Yet still I see, and still I fear.rnrn
rnrn
DarkSpace Developer - Retired
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icansee
Cadet
Joined: August 02, 2006
Posts: 327
| Posted: 2007-05-09 11:57
OMG.. i am NEVER having kids
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Kanman
Grand Admiral
Pitch Black
Joined: August 26, 2005
Posts: 1017
From: Virginia, United States
| Posted: 2007-05-09 14:19
Tranquilizers and sedatives. My children will be fed through a tube in their arm until they are 18. Then, I will allow them to wake from their medically-induced comas.
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Eledore Massis [R33]
Grand Admiral
Templar Knights
Joined: May 26, 2002
Posts: 2694
From: tsohlacoLocalhost
| Posted: 2007-05-09 14:52
Quote:
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On 2007-05-09 14:19, Kanman *FC* wrote:
Tranquilizers and sedatives. My children will be fed through a tube in their arm until they are 18. Then, I will allow them to wake from their medically-induced comas. |
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those are called Tanks or Invetro's
on topic.
I think i would love children.
And all the time you spend all the horor, it would be a happy diversion.
It would be a lovely endurance instaid of fighting with your girlfriend.
In addition it would be a form of respect to your parents.
The endured you so why not respect them to endure some of your own.
In a way you could see this as your parents revenge, but than you would be paranoid.
I hope the delivery and all things related go wel rocko.
and send us a update 
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DS Discordion
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Enterprise
Chief Marshal
Joined: May 19, 2002
Posts: 2576
From: Hawthorne, Nevada
| Posted: 2007-05-09 15:36
May God have mercy on your soul. You need it more than we do.
-Ent
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thundercat984
Cadet
Joined: December 31, 2005
Posts: 166
From: southern us
| Posted: 2007-05-09 16:10
OMG don't say stuff like that!! We are two months into our pregnacy and i'm trying to stay upbeat about it. If the children are to much more of a hassle than a pregnat women i don't know what i'm going to to.
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Glimmer
Fleet Admiral
Joined: February 05, 2006
Posts: 54
From: Hertfordshire
| Posted: 2007-05-09 16:22
I have a Cheerleader for a God Daughter, your've seen the college films..........her dad lives in a foreign country and she has an interest in boys and I hate em'
Don't have a girl.
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-05-09 16:47
Hahahah Rocko... you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble and ... wait, I'm trying to think of something on par...
Uhh... I'll get back to ya in 20 years
ROFL DRAF!
Any SG1 fans? Adam Baldwin's comments on parenthood in Season 7's "Heros" 
Quote:
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DIXON: Yeah, all night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers. You have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you won't smother them in their sleep.
WELLS: Sir, you have four kids.
DIXON: Yeah, why do you think I love my job so much? Don't get me wrong I love the little buggers to death but trust me, having four kids makes going through the Stargate and facing off alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.
WELLS: Then why'd you have four?
DIXON: Well, ones pretty bad but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister right? Then you have two boys and the wife says she wants a girl, so you figure hell three can't be much worse than two right? But you don't relise your brain is fried because you haven't slept and after three, four is no big deal so then you're so deep in that nothing seems to matter anymore. Its chaos. You just try to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have left trying to get them into bed, only to lay awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse, wind up dead in an alley some where.
----
From Gateworld
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And for the uninformed, Dixon's job is to go off world and fight overwhelming odds against vastly superior enemy forces both in numbers & technology 
[ This Message was edited by: Coeus on 2007-05-09 16:48 ]
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Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
'I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm taking you with me!'
ICC Security Council Chief Enforcer
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-RevenG-
Raven Warriors
Joined: March 03, 2004
Posts: 2673
| Posted: 2007-05-09 19:57
Are you naming it Quits?
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Fatal Command (CO)
Marshal
Fatal Squadron
Joined: November 27, 2002
Posts: 1158
From: over here in New York noticing some ppl are like canoes.....they need to be paddled.
| Posted: 2007-05-10 10:24
rocko.......you left out a couple..
go to the pet store and rent a skunk for a min......oh..and make sure its not had the musk gland removed. have owner of said skunk spray on a rag,hang said rag from nose 3 times a day for 5 mins.it will give you an idea of diaper changing.
take a small drink bottle (with the snap cap type), add milk leave it out a few days in the sun.shake vigorously.squirt small amts(apprx 1/2 teaspoon) to all shirts,trousers, and other assortd items you wear .you now know what spit up is like.
theres a few others.....but well.....you need to learn those first hand.
BUT with all that and above said,wouldnt trade ALL of it for anything in this world or any other.
TW...dad of 1 boy 3 girls and Granda to6 grandkids.........so far.
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BackSlash
Marshal
Galactic Navy
Joined: March 23, 2003
Posts: 11183
From: Bristol, England
| Posted: 2007-05-10 10:36
Quote:
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On 2007-05-10 10:24, Fatal Command*CO* wrote:
TW...dad of 1 boy 3 girls and Granda to6 grandkids.........so far.
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3 girls!?
Ahaha, you must of been through hell.
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